5 Ways To Deter Instagram And Facebook From Selling Your Photos

Everyone’s Hulk-smashing their devices after Big Evil Facebook forced Wee Lovely Instagram to change its terms of use and privacy policy.

The upshot of the change basically means that if you’re a ‘grammer, your snaps can now be sold to the worst people in the world: ‘third parties’. (I actually feel a bit sorry for third parties. Everyone hates ‘em. Nobody ticks their box on forms.)

This means your pics could be sold to ‘brands’ (boooo!) who might choose to do all manner of ghastlies with your carefully-crafted shots while InstaFace keeps all the profits. They could put your photos in adverts, Facebook promotions or, worst of all, up their bums. And there’s not a thing you can do about it – apart from quit Instagram, *wibble*.

Can you imagine quitting Instagram? Never again gritting your teeth to a fine grain as you dolefully glare at a succession of seemingly identical flat whites? Well, deleting your account is now your only choice.

Or so you may think.

However, there’s an alternative strategy: take only photos Instagrook will have no interest in snaffling. EXAMPLOIDS:

Five photos Instagram won’t want

1. Spleens
Have you seen what spleens look like?They resemble the head of the alien from Alien (its name? ‘Alien’), only made out of guts. Consider becoming the world’s first mobile spleen documenter and laugh all the way to the intellectual property bank while your followers wail over their snaps of their carefully-manicured nails appearing on the new Hollister hologramodel, which has been created entirely through Instagram users’ bodyshots.

2. Industrial estates
You remember that grey, tyre-fragranced wasteland you visited once to get a new washer for the pipe under your sink? Wasn’t it the most miserable, joyless, glamour-free environment you’ve ever speeded away from? Clu-click! Good luck selling these pics to American Apparel, Finstabroom!

3. Empty plastic microwave meal cartons
They destroy the environment and the only emotional resonance they have is loneliness. Go nuts.

4. Doctors’ waiting rooms
The grimmest place in any town or village, regardless of how many Betfreds are in the vicinity. Not even Night Nurse would want to be associated with a room full of Norovirus, so you should be fine here. Plus nobody will have the energy to stop you, so you can take your time and get some really creative shots of clammy, green-skinned pensioners.

5. Your friends
There’s the chance that Infacestagroom will need to secure a ‘model release’ before it can use shots of recognisable people other than the photographer. So perhaps exclusively take photos of your pals derping around at parties, safe in the knowledge that they’re not attention junkies who would grant permission for their image to be plastered all over lousy in-stream ads for Angry Birds.

Pardong? You do that already, and your friends are all dreadful narcissists? #unfollow

Read more of this sort of nonsense on Stuart Waterman’s blog. Picture of Stuart taken without his permission from his Instagram feed.